I would really like to know from others if they feel a similar way to me. I’m sure some people out there are just 100% sure of who they are, what they believe in, and where they are going, but not me. I’m sure Nic pretty much is as he just cruises through every part of life and nothing ever phases him, thank goodness I have him by my side.
I feel like my whole life I am constantly changing, so much so that I can’t keep up with myself. When I look back on my life, my memories are strange, it’s like I know my memories are mine, but I don’t know the person who I was back then. It’s like she is an acquaintance that I have crossed paths with somewhere along the line. I think this is partly why I keep diaries, make videos and take lots of photos. To remind me that it was me; that all these things did happen to me. That and the fact that I have a shocking memory.
This trip really has left me searching. This sense of freedom in that we can do whatever we want to do, be whoever we want to be, and likewise now, we are free to explore not just our country but also ourselves. I’m not sure which one I do more, looking out to the world around me and taking in it’s beauty or looking in at myself, soul searching to find out who I am.
I often revert back to becoming a mother, when I feel I lost a bit of who I am/was. Not so much that I lost it but just that I changed. In retrospect, motherhood was one part but it was also just when the responsibility of life took hold. Either way, I am sure many other mothers can relate in that becoming a mother really does take a little adjusting to say the least.
Now I took this all in my stride and didn’t really look back at the time. I’m not a looking back type of person, I’m always looking forward. But right now, whenever I look forward, I have no idea where I am looking to, I have no focus point, no goal and as a result I think this is adding to the lost feeling that I have. I am not used to this and have only just pieced this all together recently. Since becoming a mother I have lost my strong sense of self. I have a strong sense of “I am a mum and I want to do everything in this world for my kids”, but what about me. I think this also comes in part as a result of no longer putting yourself first. As a mum you are last in line of priorities and what you are passionate about, what really gets you excited, doesn’t matter for a while there, just for the first couple of years at least. And I am 100% cool with that. I have loved every minute and it is just part of being a mum and it’s kind of nice to be so selfless for a change. I believe children are the only things in life that can make somebody completely selfless so it is an amazing thing to experience and very humbling.
However now that we are on the road, Nic is around every day, the girls aren’t so dependant (Rio is still 15months and Frankie is going on to be a ‘Threenanger’ so I won’t get too ahead of myself), we are not bogged down by the current day to days of life so it has left me with a little time to think about me. My destiny and who I am is someone who wants to know the meaning of life, why are we here, what’s it all for, so give me some time and I start to ponder.
This time spent on the road so far I think I have spent searching. Searching for places we may want to live, searching for houses, businesses, grand ideas. We have had to change our diet slightly, changed our lifestyle, our dress, everything. I think I am peaking in my sense of lostness (which is a word I have just decided that needs to exist for my purposes).
When coming to this realisation the other night, I decided that it is all part of this process. This road we have taken will lead us somewhere. Right now I need to get completely lost in order to be found. I need to surrender to it and that in itself does not come instantly. It comes with time. Things have changed dramatically in the past few years and as a result we have had to change with it. This happens to everyone numerous times in their lives however we don’t often allow ourselves the time to reset, find our feet again in the world and ground ourselves again. Often we just flounder along making it all work out till we find a place “that will do”, adjust our clothing tidy our hair and walk through the doors of life again.
I am going to take this time on the road to try and really get lost. Get lost with my family. Work out who we want to be, how we want to live life, and search within myself, reset myself, ground myself. Remind myself of who I am, what I believe in, who I want to be and then I know, whatever it is I am looking for or whatever it is I am meant to find, it will find me.
Images: Climbing Mount Egmont in New Plymouth with a hut sleep over and Wharariki Beach in Golden Bay- Northern Tip of the South Island. Both must do’s!